


How Castiel and Oprah Saved 'Merica

by NightAngel97



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crack, Destiel - Freeform, Fluff and Crack, Humor, Jesus Missiles, M/M, Pointless, World War II
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-03-21
Updated: 2014-04-27
Packaged: 2018-01-16 10:38:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,446
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1344421
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NightAngel97/pseuds/NightAngel97
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Destiel WWII AU Crack!Fic. Castiel loves Dean, but there's one problem: Dean's an evil dictator. Will Castiel be able to save the world, Dean's soul, and find true love all in one story? The answer to this question and many more await you in "How Castiel and Oprah Saved 'Merica!" And even if that doesn't intrigue you, you should still read this because...'Merica!</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Mama Oprah

**Author's Note:**

> I apologize in advance to all my constant readers for the fact that I haven't updated in 2 months and that when I do it's complete crack with an overly thought out uses of vocabulary words from my English assignments over the last couple of weeks. Anyways until I get something decent up enjoy this lovely crack that was requested by one of my bestfriends whose only in the SPN fandom by Tumblr association.
> 
> Disclaimer: I own nothing, not Supernatural, Not Castiel, Not Dean, Not even Oprah and her Jesus Missiles, nope I'm afraid those things belong to the CW and my crazy wonderful group of friends in first period U.S. History.

**Chapter 1: Mama Oprah**

Once upon a time in the year 1941, in the mystical land of 'Merica, there lived a kind, majestic, fabulous, and noble ruler. His name was Winston "Castiel" Churchill, the reigning president of all the 'Mericas and he was currently in the midst of a War with many other great – but  _far_  less fabulous – rulers. But there was one ruler who wished to rule them all and wrongly so. This ruler also happened to be the only ruler – live or dead – in all of history whose fabulousness could even begin to compete with Castiel's. This ruler was the most ruthless, maleficent, tumultuous, and merciless dictator in all the world lands. This ruler's name was Adolf "Dean" Hitler, and Castiel was truly, madly, deeply, imperceptibly in love with him. And now Castiel was faced with a choice, a choice he was trying his hardest not to be impetuous about: a) allow the man he loved to live and go on murdering people, killing things – his so called "family business" – or b) Nuke Dean along with the rest of his continent.

"Gabriel! What do I do!?" He pleaded.

Franklin "Gabriel" Roosevelt, Castiel's double-cousin, closest friend, and advisor, turned around his wheelie chair to face his friend, "Tell me what is troubling you my son."

"I fear that I have fallen and that I can't get up," Castiel sighed, "I fear that I am in love with someone who possesses power that is copiously higher than mine."

"Tom Cruise?" Gabriel asked with a gentle knowing smile.

"What?" Castiel jumped up, "No! Dean!"

Gabriel's eyes popped out of his skull, landing on Castiel's coffee table and he had to quickly pick them up and shove them back in before they left rings. "Inconceivable!" He shouted in response to his cousin's proclamation.

"I know!" Castiel whined pathetically. "Please, you're my advisor; what I should do?!"

Gabriel cleared his throat and gazed intently into Castiel's eyes, "Tell me what you feel Castiel. Tell me, deep down inside, what do you  _feel_?"

"Ain't nobody got time for that!" He exclaimed, plopping down into his office chair. "And yet I must make time!" Castiel whirled his chair around to face the detonator. "Dean is bad and he  _should_ be stopped…"

"But?" Gabriel prompted, coming to kneel before his president.

"But he…he's just so pretty! And – and as I said I believe that I love him, and when I look at him…" Castiel groaned, throwing his head back in a hellacious mixture of anguish and ecstasy.

"And when you look at him," Gabriel stressed, reaching up to grab Castiel's silver-framed, picture of a topless Dean from his desk and shoving it towards his cousin, "You know what you see! So look at him Castiel."

Castiel looked – as he always had looked and forevermore always would look – and sighed pitifully, "Yes, I love him, he is the hole in my head, the space in my bed, as well as the silence in between…If I were a flower growing wild and free I would want him to be my sweet honey bee…I keep searching for answer, but I…I need him more than dope but…But he's not my brand!"

"Yes one would think that, but look closer, my liege," Gabriel insisted, climbing up so that he was practically in Castiel's lap. "Look! Look with your special eyes, double-cousin!"

Castiel looked, he looked harder than ever before until he saw nothing but beautiful pools of hazel-green and buttery-smooth sun-bronzed skin and moaned. Oh how right Gabriel was, he seen it now, Dean was his own personal brand and he wanted to shout it up to where the mountains met the heavens above and to where the lightning split the sea. And oh he did! "My brand!" With that he ripped the frame from Gabriel's hands and held it to his chest as if his life depended on it. "Oh, but it cannot be, our love is far too forbidden." He let out a cry of complete, utter, desolate despair and threw the picture across his office and into the fireplace where it exploded in flames. "¿Por qué cruel world?" Castiel cried, falling out of his chair and onto the floor. "¡¿Por qué?!"

Castiel remained prostrate on the ground for several torturously long moments before finally pulling himself to his hands and knees and slowly pulling himself towards where the nuclear detonator was located.

"NO!" Gabriel screamed, "You mustn't give in Castiel, not now! Just think; WWOD? What Would Oprah Do?"

"I just don't know," Castiel shook his head dismally and reached for the red button.

Then, just as his hand was descending upon the button like Dean upon a pie, a small book came flying out of nowhere and broke Castiel's pinkie like it hadn't been broken since the Nutella Incident. "What the…" He reached over picking up the book to see that it was a Bible. His brow furrowed as if he were constipated and he looked around to see a woman sitting on top of a chair where Gabriel's head had been only moments ago. Castiel's jaw dropped off of his face and landed on the lime-green shag carpet of his office floor. "Oprah?"

"The one and only my son," She stated with a nimble snap of her fingers.

"Why…Why did you throw a Bible at me?" He asked in hurt puzzlement, because really, how could she have done something like that to her biggest fan? And if that was the case how was he supposed to prove his loyalty when she already was thinking so little of him? Would his I "Heart" Oprah shirt be enough? And if not, what possibly could be?

"Bible? Watch chu talkin' 'bout Dumbledore?"

Castiel's brow furrowed again, "I don't understand that reference, and…" He gestured to the miniature Bible.

"Oh!" She exclaimed, "You mean my Jesus Missile!"

"Your Jesus Mis…" Castiel trailed off his head beginning to feel like it was getting the banging he wanted from Dean. "But why? And…and where do they come from?"

"Why and where do you think, jackass?"

Castiel tilted his head, looking from Oprah to the detonator and back again. "Internet?"

¡Whack! Another Jesus Missile came flying towards Castiel straight out of Oprah's fingertips and hit him in the face. "Yes the Internet, but the where is not of import right now! It's why! It's because you love that boy and together we can help him."

"How?" Castiel pleaded, slipping into a state of frenzied state hopelessly hopeful desperation. "Please tell me how, Mama Oprah! Tell me how!"

"Here's what we're going to do my son," She paused and leaned forwards in her chair to whisper into Castiel's ear, "Here's what we're going to do with the great and powerful rainbow powered Jesus Missile…"

**To Be Continued…**


	2. The U.S.S. Jesus Missile

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry this took longer than expected but on the bright side there's going to be a chapter 3! Thanks go out to everyone who read and special thanks to Maddie for the comment, you rock!
> 
> ~Disclaimer~ I own nothing! Supernatural belongs to the CW, Oprah belongs to Oprah, Jesus Missiles belong to my friends in History class, and the majestic Narwalrus belongs to my beautiful girlfriend :)

It took some waiting – twelve years of it – but it was finally done. The Jesus Missile to top all Jesus Missiles had been built and it was beautiful. It stood proudly like a majestic eagle in the White House's KFC parking lot at 200 feet high and 100 feet wide, complete with chrome trim and Narwalrus decals.

"It's gorgeous, Oprah!" Castiel sobbed. He hugged his mama Oprah one last time and was climbing onboard the U.S.S. Jesus Missile.

The countdown starts.

4…3…2…1…And then the rainbow fuel cells ignited and Castiel had lift off. Off he flew to Germany. He climbed the highest mountain and he crossed the widest sea, feeling St. Elmo's Fire burning in him as hot as his love for Dean the entire journey.

The journey was too long and Castiel spent so much time stressin that he nearly forgot the question, but he feared no man and the moment he landed in Germany and looked into Dean's eyes he was reminded of all those nearly forgotten feelings.

Castiel resisted the urge to dismount his Jesus Missile immediately and instead called out to the man he loved, "Dean! Dean, I've come to rescue you!"

The moose the man was riding reared up onto its hind legs, throwing the dictator off.

"Dean!" Castiel exclaimed, leaping off the U.S.S. Jesus Missile to catch the man he loved. Castiel caught him with ease and held him tightly to his chest as the moose continued to canter about wildly.

"Who… _What_  are you?" Dean asked, awestruck as he stared into Castiel's eyes.

"My name is Castile and I'm the president of…of…'M…" Castiel's mouth suddenly went as dry as Joanne's chicken as he took in the sheer beauty that was seeing Dean this close up. "I came in my…I mean  _to_ grip your cock – I mean _you –_ tight and raise its – you – _your_ erection…from perdition…" Castiel bit his lip, fearing that he had just ruined his only chance of woeing the Dictator.

Dean however, just continued to look at his savior with stars in his eyes, open mouth and salivating, "That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me."

A grin split Castiel's face in half and he would later need stitches, "If you were a single lady I'd put a ring on you, just to show you how happy I am that you've decided to stop your plans of dominating the planet to come love me."

"Look, that's sweet and all dude..."Dean trailed off, removing himself from Castiel's embrace, "But, uh hello? Hitler here: not going to stop world domination over one fabulously sexy savior, no matter how sexily fabulous."

Castiel's jaw tightened and he knew than what had to be done, after all Oprah had warned that it may come to this. "Then you leave me no choice, because I know that despite how much your words hurt me, there's still good and you and because of that good I know th…" He trailed off and his words turned to sobs, "I know that somewhere deep down in my heart…I STILL LOVE YOU!" And with that he teleported back to the U.S.S. Jesus Missile and began typing a code into its control panel and soon the ground began to shake.

"Graboids!" The giant moose yelled, running back towards Dean.

"NO!" Castiel cried over the roar of the U.S.S. Jesus Missile, "Mecha Oprah!" And with that the U.S.S. Jesus Missile burst open to reveal Her in all Her glory. Her eyes turned to Dean and she began shooting midsized Jesus Missiles from all of her fingertips at Dean, his talking moose, and anything else that got in Her way.

As the missiles continued to fly and the world filled with rainbow smoke Castiel began to sing inspirationally, " _Mecha Oprah, Mecha Oprah. Opa-rah! Opa-rah!_ "

And then there was silence. Just as suddenly as the rainbow smoke had appeared it dissipated into nothingness. The U.S.S. Jesus Missile closed again, putting Mecha Oprah to rest now that her work was complete.

As the last of the rainbows cleared Castiel dismounted the U.S.S. Jesus Missile and began frantically searching for his love amongst the splayed out missiles. "Dean? Oh Dean, where are you?" Then to Castiel's right a figure began to emerge from the rubble. "Dean?"

But alas, it was not Dean who had emerged from the ruins, but his gargantuan moose companion. "Where's Dean?" The moose whined, frantically whipping its head around in all directions like an owl on crack.

"Who-what are you?" Castiel demanded, backing away from the beast.

"I'm Sam. Dean's my brother. Who are _you_?"

" _Excuse_  me?" Castiel sassed in disbelief. "Are you telling me that you don't know the name of the holder of the Most Fabulous Ruler title?" Castiel sighed dejectedly at the moose's look of utter confusion. "I'm Castiel…President of 'Merica?" When the moose remained unresponsive he continued. " Dean is my soul mate and I was sent by my Mama Oprah to come and save him, but now I can't find him!" He swallowed thickly on the edge of tears, "And I just don't know what to do!" Castiel fell to his knees, wrapping his arms around the moose's front legs.

"Well…What would Oprah do?"

Castiel gasped, pulling his tear-streaked face from Sam's soaked fur. Of course! How could he have forgotten!? "Mama Oprah! Help!"

Once more the ground began to quake beneath the moose's hooves and up from a pile of rubble rose Dean's comatose form.

"Dean!" Castiel and the moose cheered in unison running towards him.

The instant they were beneath him, Dean dropped from the sky upon them, collapsing them all to the ground in a tangle of limbs and hooves.

"Dean!" Castiel panted, frantically cupping the other man's face. "Wake up my love! Wake up damn you! Wake up!"

But he did not wake.

"What's wrong with him?" The moose pleaded, falling to his knees to nuzzle Dean's face.

"His good-self is trying to pass over with his bad-self," Oprah explained calmly.

"I don't understand!" Castiel sobbed into the moose's side.

"I'm saying that Dean has been getting down with his bad-self for so long that his good-self was starting to meld with it. And now that my missiles have banished his bad-self from this body, his good-self's trying to slip away too."

"Banished to where Mama? Oh you must tell me what will be my love's eternal fate."

"Purgatory," Oprah spoke dismally, "His bad-self has been sent to the deepest most masochistic and malevolent depths of Purgatory." Oprah paused and Castiel waited with baited breath for her to elaborate further. And when she did, oh how Castiel wished that she hadn't, for what it was far worse than he ever could have imagined: "Eternity on Rainbow Road, fighting Dick and Leviathans tooth and nail with bananas as his only weapons."

"Why cruel world!" Castiel sobbed to the heavens, "¿Por qué?  _¡¿Por qué?!_ "

 _¡Whack!_ Castiel was hit in the face with a Jesus Missile. "Would you quit your whining you baby in a trench coat! I mean Christ be a man for five minutes!"

Castiel's love lip began to quiver and he covered his head in anticipation for the onslaught of more Jesus Missiles. "I'm sorry Mama Oprah! I didn't mean to displease you, I-I won't disobey you again! I just can't lose my righteous man…"

"I know my son," She spoke calmly. "And you won't; it's not too late, I can still save him."

"But, how?" Castiel croaked, his throat raw from tears. "Please," He pleaded, clinging to his new moose companion for dear life, "Tell me how Mama Oprah."

"Why with the defibrillationary powers of my Jesus Missiles of course!"

**To Be Continued…**

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you guys are still entertained and please let me know what you think, next chapter will be up in a week or so depending on how the updates for my other works go

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first crack!fic so please let me know what you think and the next(and most likely last) part should be up pretty quickly.


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